PBS And Their Dasterdly "Downton Abbey" Deed

If you are like many people in America right now, you have been sucked into the Downton Abbey" vortex on Sunday nights.  My Sunday night television obsession has gone from the depths of the Real Housewives of Wherever to the current highbrow Downton Abbey, and directly following, "Sherlock".  Now I feel very intelligent when I watch TV on Sunday night instead of the goober I used to feel like when I watched the housewives.

But PBS has recently come under fire for selling a collection of jewelry based on Downton Abbey on their website.  They are under fire not because as some have said, the collection is tacky, but because they did it without informing the shows creator.  See for yourself...

A replica of a cameo from the show.  Cameos were very popular in the early 20th century.  Typically carved in shell, cameos were also carved in gemstones like agate, onyx and sardonyx.

Pearls were often used in jewelry during the Victorian and Edwardian age.  They were small and natural, (unlike these Downton Abbey replicas which are faux).

Downton Abbey's Crawley women. 
This is what women looked like before Gloria Steinem, masters degrees, the gym, wine and Starbucks.

The girls and their pearls.  Here are the ladies and some of their PBS knock-offs.
Some felt the tea set (shown in the bottom right corner) was particularly heinous.

So really, what is all the fuss about?  Did Willow or Patrick at PBS get a little too aggressive when brainstorming beg-a-thon ideas?  PBS stuck their neck out in an effort to raise funds and with all the cutbacks in contributions, if they don't stay on their toes, they will go dark...and that would be bad. 

It's a shame PBS had to pull the jewelry off their website.  Had they collaborated with the shows creator from the beginning, together they could have spawned a new trend in clothing and jewelry.  Yes people, women now want the clothes too - especially the blouses. 

Come on...who would you rather see in pearls?

Now This Is A Collar I Would Like To Wear

The Cushion Chiclet Necklace shown in citrine.
Please click on the link to see it in prasiolite.

If you read my recent post on collars, you'll remember that if you're not careful, you could wind up looking like Charlton Heston in a diaper, and that is not a good look.  So I'd like to show you a collar that's guaranteed to make you look much better than that.

The David Yurman Prasiolite and Diamond Cushion Chiclet Necklace (shown to the left in citrine) is made in sterling silver, pave diamonds, aqua chalcedony, prasiolite (green amethyst), and white agate. Beautifully made on the back as well as the front, rounded squares made from these stones line up next to each other to form a soft, neutral hued sparkler that would look great during the summer with a tan and flowing white silks, or during the winter with a white blouse and black pants.

This necklace would even be at home with a strapless gown on New Year's Eve!  Pair it with small earrings because this piece is the showstopper, and maybe add a silver cuff to balance out the look.

This is the best way to spend your money on a big piece of jewelry. Make sure you can wear it multiple ways with multiple outfits. David Yurman jewelry is perfect for this type of wear because casual luxury is the look you are going for. You know you've achieved it when your friends who never compliment you are moved to say something nice about how you look.

Even better, this piece, which retails for close to $5,000 in retail stores, can be found for $2,850, almost half the retail price, at bellatutto.com.  Bella Tutto is a company that offers designer jewelry at less than retail prices. Today, women churn through jewelry like we churn through pantyhose, so why should you pay retail.  Great bargains and deals can be found for all of your favorite jewelry designers on websites like bellatutto.com.

Elizabeth Taylor's Jewels

Who will carry the next jewelry torch? Is there someone out there who loves jewelry as much, or has amassed the level of important pieces, as Elizabeth Taylor? Wallis Simpson?  Even Joan Crawford had a respectable Agnes Moorehead-looking jewelry collection for god sake. Kim Kardashian may have a 20 carat diamond engagement ring, but she doesn't strike me as the type to have the insight that Liz and Dick had to acquire some of the most historically significant jewels of the world.  Madonna has purchased some pieces previously owned by Wallis Simpson, but jewelry looks better on a woman, not an aging rat terrier.

Liz Taylor by Richard Avedon

Today's celebrities are really cheesy in the way they beg, borrow, or steal the fabulous jewels they are seen wearing on the red carpet. They are wealthy, but apparently not the kind of wealthy that allows them to buy and wear Van Cleef & Arpels or Bulgari on a regular basis. However, it does appear to be a symbiotic relationship between the stars and the designers who need celebrities to help them establish their name. Are there no new designers out there who have enough confidence in their stuff to put their stuff out there for the sake of their own stuff? Does every new designer need a celebrity name behind them in order to get started, let alone survive? As I grow more and more tired of celebrity entitlement, I long for a true designer (jewelry or clothing) who can rest on their laurels alone.

Liz ignoring the rule... put all your jewelry on and then remove one piece.

Liz, Wallis, and Jackie were the last of a fine breed of American women who lived a life my generation is not familiar with. The uber-jewel collections have migrated to the Asian, Russian, and Middle Eastern communities (not including the Royals, who really don't own any of it - they just host it) because that is where the wealth is today. Enjoy ladies! Protect those sparkles, and like Liz said, "I am fortunate to have some very important pieces of jewelry. I don't believe I own any of the pieces. I believe that I am their custodian, here to enjoy them, to give them the best treatment in the world, to watch after their safety, and to love them."

Elizabeth Taylor's Jewels Go To Auction

For those amongst us who truly covet the beautiful gems of the world and the back stories of those who owned them, get ready because some of the most magnificent jewelry in the world are about to be recycled. From Cartier and Van Cleef and Arpels to JAR and Bulgari, this December, Christie's will auction Elizabeth Taylor's complete jewelry collection, estimated to be worth 30 million dollars or more. Christie's will also auction a group of Taylor's better costume jewelry along with some of her clothes, which seems a little Skelator to me; however, as we all know, there is a market for everything. Over the next few weeks I'll look a little more closely at Liz's jewels and the stories behind them.

One of her most memorable jewels is the Krupp diamond, now known as the "Elizabeth Taylor Diamond," which Richard Burton bought for her in 1968 for $305,000. At that time, this was the highest price ever paid for a diamond at auction. An Ascher cut diamond, weighing 33.19 carats of D, VS1 magnificence, today the diamond is valued at between $2,500,000 - $3,000,000.

Previously owned by Vera Krupp von Bohlen und Halback, wife of the German industrialist, Alfried Krupp, etc., etc., the diamond was auctioned after Vera's death. There is a somewhat creepy background to the stone as Alfried was a key supplier of weapons and material to the Nazis during World War II.  Krupp's insistence on using slave labor taken directly from the concentration camps, even when free German labor was offered from the government, resulted in his trial and ultimate three year imprisonment after the war. 

The Elizabeth Taylor Diamond, 33.19 carats, D Color, potentially Internally Flawless.
Gift from Richard Burton, May 16, 1968.
Eat your heart out Kim Kardashian.

Are You A "Just Becauser?"....The New Jewelry Customer

Assorted Ippolita 18K bangles.  Starting at $695.

You've got a great job. You've worked hard, and over the years you've pushed other bitches out of the way...I mean you've snarled your way up the ladder of success. Along your star-studded path you've recognized important achievements with a nice piece of David Yurman jewelry, or maybe a Hermes handbag. When you scrutinize the Neiman Marcus website, picking out all the things you love, you see a beautiful pair of Christian Louboutins, and your feet start to itch, you have to have them so bad. Without a thought, you click, click, click those little red-soled gems into your authentic shopping cart, not the imaginary one that most people keep when they fake shop. You're used to treating yourself with nice things... because you can.

Heidi Mitchell, in her recent The Wall Street Journal article, "Jewelry Waits For No Man: Buy It For Yourself," notes how Mintel, a market research firm, identifies women who shop like this as a growing and important segment of high end buyers known as "Just Becausers." These are women, able to make exclusive purchases for themselves, just because. Because they want it, they think they need it, and most importantly, they can afford it. They are a professional women, age 45 and up, and last year, 59% of the purchases made by this group were for no particular reason.

It is exactly this logic that needs to be embraced by the jewelry industry. The industry has historically targeted a male market, and men generally only buy for some type of specific reason like an anniversary, birthday, or new baby, and, as men do, they apply way too much logic when making a purchase, especially a big one like jewelry. Most men buy jewelry like they buy a hammer at the Home Depot. Lots of dumb questions, like "what is the resale value of this ring?" or "where are diamonds made?" or "can my wife return it if she doesn't like it?" Do these analytical questions really have any bearing on the fact that  when you see a piece of jewelry that would look beautiful on your significant other and you can afford it, what's the big frigging deal?  Just buy it.

The jewelry industry is an old business and change took a long time. Back in the 90's, many of the smaller vendors we did business with were not even computerized. I remember visiting a vendor who pulled out samples that were wrapped in Kleenex tissues and stored in old shoe boxes.  Everything in his business was stored in his head. This would be tough for most of us if we were in our 80's (like this man) but he had a mind like a fox snare. Keeping with this attitude, much of the industry still designs for men who buy for women...not women who buy for themselves. If they were smart, they would start changing their direction toward this new trend.

H. Stern 18K YG Small Love Knot Earrings.  $2600

Some smart designers like Ippolita,  H. Stern and Ivanka Trump, have taken note.  They see that women think of jewelry as an extension of their wardrobe, not necessarily a reward for getting laid last night (well, maybe). These designers recognize that women want quality, but also want quantity...because they have the money.

Ivanka Trump - assorted rings.  Starting at $725.

But women are also being smart with their money in these tough times and many are turning to eBay, Gilt, and a growing number of designer consignment shops that resell gently used, authentic designer products for up to half, or less, than retail. Many women have purchased enough designer goods to spot a fake, and feel confident to shop on these sites, or if they feel insecure about this, many shops pride themselves on having the expertise to do this for you.  Align yourselves with a good one, like Bella Tutto, and you can save a ton of dough. 

You’re Going On Your First Job Interview…What Should You Wear (or Not Wear)

This is a Don't......  
unless you work at the MAC counter.

The first thing you should do is make sure all visible tattoos are covered; hopefully, you don’t have any on your face. The second thing to do is remove your nose ring, your lip ring, your chin ring, your eyebrow ring, your tongue ring, your ear cartilage ring, your nipple ring, your hoo-ha ring; just remove all your head and body jewelry before you meet the HR representative. The key is to not make noise as you move. You know what--don’t even wear earrings, just to be safe.

If you are interviewing anywhere remotely connected to the corporate arena, please do the following to put together an easy universal look that will work for most job interviews: purchase the best black or navy suit you can afford (pants or skirt - it doesn't matter), along with a tailored blouse or top (white is best) as well as black shoes with a reasonable heel - nothing hoochy mamma. If you're wearing pants, don’t forget a nice belt with a silver buckle--nothing with chains, sheriff badges, antlers or sequins on it--just a plain silver buckle…kind of like the Pilgrims but smaller.  You can wear pantyhose, or not; however, if you're wearing a skirt be sure to shave and moisturize your legs. I'll never forget the woman I once interviewed for a sales job who didn't wear stockings and had not shaved her legs. I couldn't stop looking at her caveman leg stubble. She was unforgettable...and not in a good way.  

Splurge and get a manicure. Ask to have your nails cut shorter. Get Essie’s Limo-Scene on your nails.  It’s pale pink, natural looking, and looks like a French manicure but lasts longer. I hope you already know you shouldn’t have talons. Check your nose for boogers and your teeth for spinach. Sounds silly, but it's mortifying to make these discoveries after the interview is over.

Your make-up should be simple as well: no Joker-Mouth lipstick. Just a little foundation, a small amount of blush, and mascara. Chanel makes a nice lip gloss, #87, that's a pale pink. Put this on after you've used Lancôme's "Ideal" lip liner and it defines your face but looks natural.

If your hair is long make sure you've had a recent cut and be sure to get a touch up if your roots are showing. This is not the time for weasel nest hair – no Amy Winehouse (RIP) or Lily Munster do's. Get a bob if your hair is on the shorter side, or wear a ponytail if it’s longer…the simpler the better.

Lagos Caviar Fluted Bracelet $395

Lagos Caviar Luxe Bracelet $395

Lagos Caviar Bracelet $395

Lagos Caviar Bar Bracelet $395

Now…down to the jewelry. In this case, it’s much better to underdress than overdo. Maybe a silver bracelet, like one of the Lagos Caviar bracelets. There are four designs, and they are relatively inexpensive and extremely wearable at all times, even after your interview. You should wear a watch on your other wrist. I know the younger generation uses their cell phones to tell time, but guess what: you’re killing the watch business. Please buy a nice watch. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but a watch on one’s wrist has been a style standard for eons. If I were living in the Stone Age, I would have strapped a sundial on my arm – that’s how important I feel a watch is. Plus, it’s considered rude to take out your cell phone anytime during the interview process; it’s much easier to look at a watch instead, and your interviewer won't think you're checking your messages. As a matter of fact, be sure to turn your cell phone off. Now, go look for that watch you got as a graduation gift and see if it still works.

If you promise to remove all hardware, you could wear pearl studs, diamond studs, or small silver or gold hoops in your ears if you have them. If you don’t have a discreet earring, don’t wear any. This is not the time for your Gypsy La Straga or Jersey Shore jewelry. Go small or not at all.  

This is a Do - almost everywhere.

All this being said, if you are interviewing outside of the corporate world, you could ramp it up a notch or two, but don’t go crazy. Once you have the job, check out the people who have the job you aspire to. Their appearance can give you an idea of what’s acceptable and what’s not. Remember that boring saying, “first impressions count”?  Guess what...they still do.  

 

Museum of Fine Arts, Boston…Jewels, Gems, and Treasures and...Mary Todd Lincoln

Mary Todd, 1847.

I just had to write about poor Mary Todd Lincoln. Misunderstood, misrepresented, and overextended on her personal budgets, she was not unlike a few of the customers I’ve known over the years. By far, the majority of people I deal with are very responsible about the money they spend with me. Let’s face it, people don’t need what I sell. I sell luxury items that are usually the first thing to go when things get tough…or so you would think. For some, it's impossible to let go of the image of prosperity. They’re just not comfortable enough with themselves to stop the kind of spending that is putting them in jeopardy with either their spouse who sees things differently, or a budget that can’t sustain this kind of spending…for whatever reason.

Mary Todd Lincoln was a person who came from wealth and prominence and wound up marrying an older, more common man. Later, she came under a most painful type of scrutiny by the entire United States population while experiencing intense personal disaster. Was it really such a crime to buy drapes that were never hung or to purchase too much  china for the White House? Just read up on Nancy Reagan for a modern version of this kind of First Lady.

Mary Todd was born in 1818 to a privileged, influential and aristocratic family whose ancestors had a distinguished record in the American Revolution. She was more educated than most women of her time, and some felt this may have given her the confidence to speak her opinions openly, something that women did not do a great deal of at this time. She was smart, ambitious and very interested in politics, and she took an active role in promoting her husband’s political career. "Lincoln had great respect for her judgment and never took an important step without consulting her," recalled Emilie Todd Helm, Mary’s half-sister. Mary viewed her extravagant redecoration of the White House and money spent on her wardrobe as a necessary expense in order to earn respect for her husband and the Union, while others saw it as gross consumption during a time of restraint and strife.

Mrs. Lincoln was probably one of the first women to find solace in retail therapy. Just imagine if you were in her shoes: she lost half-brothers in the Civil War, three of her four children died, she suffered from a severe head injury in a carriage accident, and then her husband was shot in the head as she sat next to him. After all of this, her surviving son had her committed, and she later suffered a spinal cord injury in a fall. As if this wasn't enough for one person to handle, she eventually fell on hard financial times and stood by and watched as many of her personal belongings were sold off. All this while fighting Congress for the right to a measly widow’s pension. So maybe she went a little cagoots and bought 100 pairs of gloves and never wore them. Good taste is a curse.

She remains a mystery as far as First Ladies go. Was she a feminist fame-seeker, a woman who was used to having nice things, or was she just feeling a little Black Swan now and then?  Many considered her bi-polar. My god, bi-polar people are some of my best customers.

This earring brooch suite is Mary Todd Lincoln's mourning jewelry. Totaling approximately 4.70 carats, the 58 mine cut diamonds color range is J-K with VS-VS1 clarity.  It was part of a large group of Mrs. Lincoln's clothes, jewelry, and furnishings that were offered for sale through Brady & Company of New York City. Mrs. Lincoln fell into dire financial circumstances after the assassination of her husband, Abraham Lincoln. The sale price was listed as $350.00.
The Museum of Fine Arts, Boston purchased this suite in 2008 for their current exhibition for $24,150.

 

Museum of Fine Arts, Boston…Jewels, Gems, and Treasures and...Hummingbirds?

Angry Birds

Jewelry lovers must thank the Rita J. and Stanley H. Kaplan Family Foundation (of the Kaplan Learning Center fame) for opening a gallery specifically devoted to the display of jewelry, and for hiring Yvonne Markowitz, the Rita J. Kaplan and Susan B. Kaplan Curator of Jewelry.  We have these people to thank for bringing us examples of some of the more bizarre pieces of jewelry ever known to man.

Entomological and ornithological jewelry was very popular during the mid to late 19^th century and was viewed as one of the ways for women to reconnect with nature as the onset of the industrial age crept up on them.  Women’s magazines encouraged women to skin and mount their own creations, while more intricate and upscale pieces were made by jewelers.  I’m sure you were laying low if you were the family dog during these times. 

So it’s no wonder women of the Victorian era were thought to swoon…they were probably driven insane by the endless sound of flapping hummingbird wings hovering on the sides of their heads.  Oh, they were stuffed you say?  There goes my vision of no earring hardware needed – just birds, endlessly fidgeting, suspended on your lobes.

When I think of gems and pearls, especially earrings, I think of the time it takes to find two perfectly matching stones – in size, color and quality.  Just think about finding perfectly matching hummingbirds.  I’ve seen less than ten in my lifetime, let alone enough birds to make a matching pair of earrings and brooch.  And think of the poor taxidermist who had to stuff these things.  I guess it’s pretty amazing what you can do with eyebrow tweezers and a cotton ball.  This suite of jewelry gives a whole new meaning to Angry Birds.

Brooch in gold with foliate design and mounted head of hummingbirds with ruby eyes and gold beak; matching earrings.

Museum of Fine Arts, Boston…Jewels, Gems, and Treasures - Ancient to Modern

Ka-Ka-Ching for Ba-Ba Bling at the Museum

My sister--you know the one with that Queen doll--is in Boston this week with her husband.  He is a retired Army colonel who works in the Pentagon and is in Boston this week taking a senior management course at the JFK School of Government at Harvard. She is tagging along as extra baggage but took on a special assignment on behalf of gemsaboutjewels.  She stopped by the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston to check out “Jewels, Gems and Treasures – Ancient to Modern” which started July 19, 2011 and runs until November 25, 2012.  The 11,000  piece jewelry collection features pieces that span ancient Egyptian times to the 21st century in America.  It seems as though museums all over the country are starting to catch on to this new and interesting equation:

Jewelry + Gems + Story = Big $$$$ to museums featuring same old thing.

As I discussed in my earlier blog post, “Why Do People Wear Jewelry?” we learned that jewelry gets most people (especially women) really, really excited. It may boost our egos to think how great we’re going to look in it, or maybe it's the chance to wear something expensive and flaunt it in front of our friends. Or perhaps it's just the investment value. Over all these years, noted jewelry icons like Wilma Flintstone, Cleopatra and Elizabeth Taylor have steered the course, and they can’t be wrong.

The first piece we’ll look at is an important ancient Egyptian broadcollar that was uncovered during a museum expedition in 1913. This was during a time when long-dead, undisturbed little Egyptian people were being dug up all over the place from their cat pee smell tombs because Egyptomania was the rage.  Actually taken from the mummified body of Ptah-Shepses Impy, an official of King Pepy II, the collar was made from gold, turquoise, lapis lazuli and hundreds of small blue glazed steatite (soapstone) beads. The collar was important because some of the original beadwork survived, and it was studied by conservators who were able to reconstruct the collar in the same manner as the ancients. Because of this, it served as a model for the reconstruction of other broadcollars.

Wesekh Broadcollar - Egyptian

2246–2152 B.C.

6 7/8" x 6 7/8" x 1"

Zara Phillips Wears the Meander Tiara

Zara Anne Elizabeth Phillips, (1981-), pierced-tongue daughter of Princess Anne, Princess Royal, (1950-) was married July 30, 2011 in Scotland to Michael James Tindall, (1978-), an English rugby player who plays for Gloucester Rugby.  Not quite the too-doo of the April wedding of Prince William and clothes hanger Kate Middleton, this brawny and sports minded bride and groom will live a more casual lifestyle.  No honeymoon for them as they are both off to prior sporting commitments, Phillips in career as a show-jumper, and Tindall due back at his England rugby training camp on Monday.

Phillips chose to wear her mother’s tiara, The Meander, which was given to Princess Anne by her mother, Queen Elizabeth in 1972.  The Meander is well known because Anne has worn it time and time again as if it was the only piece of jewelry she ever owned.  The tiara is made from platinum and features a center brilliant cut diamond surrounded by a laurel wreath motif.  The sides of the tiara feature a Greek key design with a floral scroll component on each side.  Originally owned by Princess Alice of Battenberg, (1885-1969), later Princess Andrew of Greece and Denmark, mother of Prince Phillip.  Alice gave the tiara to her daughter in law, Queen Elizabeth as a wedding gift…as if she needed it.  But you know how it sometimes is with mother in law gifts…the Queen has never been seen in public wearing this particular tiara.  Not unlike the sequined sweatshirt from the Stone Harbor collection I received from my mother in law.

Princess Alice of Battenburg, mother of Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh.

A young Princess Anne wearing The Meander.

  

An older Princess Anne wearing The Meander...again. 

Annie and Granny.  When we were little girls, my sister and I had Queen Elizabeth and Princess Margaret dolls.  Of course, my sister had the Queen doll.

I'm 50 - My tiara thanks you Spanx.

 A more recent photo and she's still wearing it.  
I am now calling this the Groundhog Day Tiara because it keeps coming back the next day.

Zara and her father, Mark Phillips, former husband of Princess Anne.  In August 1985 Phillips fathered a daughter as a result of an extramarital affair.  He was confirmed as the father as a result of DNA testing during a paternity suit in 1991.  Phillips and Anne divorced in 1992.

 

Zara in The Meander and her Stewart Parvin dress.  He is a favorite of the Queen.  What every young girl wants, her Grandmother's dress designer to make her wedding dress.

From some angles he's very handsome...and from others he looks like that guy from Goonies.

 

She is getting a gaunt.  Even the size 0’s are hanging off her.

Nothing that a little Round-Up can’t help.

I thought these girls were being coached.  
Next time, they must get more than the shoes right.   

Excuse Me...Did You Know Your Jewelry Is Dirty? This Is What You Should Do

Everybody wears their jewelry in different ways.  Some people are lucky enough to have a ton of it and cycle through their many favorites, so most of what they own doesn’t show much wear.  Others have only a few pieces and wear them all the time, including to bed, in the shower and even during sexy time.  Sorry, but this type of wear eventually causes stink vibrations to emanate off your jewelry that others can sense.   Some women pride themselves on wearing a particular pendant every day.  “I NEVER take this off”, she brags.  Well, guess what?  Every time you shower with that thing on, soapy skin-flaked water falls down on it and clogs up every prong, and dirt filled crusty layers coat the stone as if you were cultivating your own pearl...and I can see it from where I'm standing.  I feel a Rosann Rosannadanna skit coming on to fully describe how gross it is to wear something constantly and never clean it.  It’s OK to wear your favorites over and over again as long as you clean them from time to time… and here are some tips on what you need to buy to keep your baubles looking their best, and how to do it.  It’s not hard, just invest in the following…

Polishing Cloth - a really good one.  Not the little ones that come along with your jewelry purchase, they are worthless.  You need an industrial strength polishing cloth, like the kind you would use to clean your silverware or your Grandmother’s antique sterling silver teapot.  Sabrina Silver makes a good one and it’s available at Amazon for $6.99.  This cloth is large (12” x 15”), and can be used on silver and gold and does a great job.  It is double sided with the inside used for removing tarnish and dirt and the outside for polishing when you’re done.  You can feel the abrasive material on the inside – that’s the side to use for the first cleaning.  As you clean your jewelry, the cloth will turn black.  This is not entirely your personal schoovatch coming off, but rather tarnish and oxidation as well.  You can continue to use these cloths for a very long time (save your manicure and use rubber gloves while polishing).  Do not wash the cloth.  When you can’t feel the abrasive any longer it’s time to throw it away and buy a new one.   

Dish Soap, Hot Water and Baby Toothbrush – if you have silver, gold, or silver and gold jewelry that has lost its shine because it’s picked up your body oils after a lot of wear, just make a mixture of liquid dish soap (I like Dawn because it cuts grease-even ours) and hot water.  Dip your jewelry and let it soak for about 5-10 minutes and then use a soft baby toothbrush to clean in between any grooves.  Place your soapy jewelry in a strainer and rinse under hot tap water.  Pour the wet jewelry out on a few paper towels to air dry.  After it’s dry, use your polishing cloth to finish it off.  Your jewelry should sparkle and feel very clean.  It’s good to do this a few times if you are wearing your jewelry a lot, especially during the summer.  Body oils and creams, perspiration and perfume cling to the metals and form a film.  If you wonder why you’re getting zits on the side of your face or on your chest, it’s probably because your earrings or pendants are dirty, so for God’s sake, clean them once in a while.  

You can use this method to clean your diamond jewelry as well as your color stones.  If your jewelry has a stone that is accessible and you can see the entire thing from the underside of your ring, you can actually use this process to clean it.  Just use your little brush to clean under the stone and rinse as usual.  Use a Q-tip to dry the underside of the stone.  If your ring is closed underneath and you can’t see the stone, you may have to have it professionally refurbished.  Check with the store where you purchased your jewelry to see if they provide this service.

Baby Shampoo - You can actually use a very mild shampoo (like baby shampoo) to clean very dirty pearls.  Place your pearls in knee high pantyhose if you can find one anywhere (who wears them anymore?)  Slowly swish your pearls back and forth through the sudsy water.  Swish back and forth in clear water to rinse off the soap and lay them out on a few layers of paper towel to air dry.  Check the silk thread used to string your pearls.  If you see lots of space between the pearls, you may need to have them re-strung.  Ask your local jeweler if they do this or if they can recommend someone who does.  Remember to treat your pearls right – they should be the last thing you put on and the first thing you take off.  Wipe them gently with a soft cotton cloth when you take them off each time and they won’t get so gross again.  This is another good reason to rip your husband’s underwear off his body– they make the best rags.

FYI - I’m not a big fan of ultra-sonic cleaners in the hands of people that don't know what they can do.  Ever since I witnessed an emerald disintegrate in one, I’m afraid of them.  There isn’t much you can’t clean with a strong detergent, a mild detergent, hot water and a toothbrush, and this way, you won’t destroy any of your jewelry in the process.

All My Jewelry Was Stolen…What Should I Do Now?

You arrive home after a nice evening out with friends and you find your backdoor wide open.   “Oh my god, did you leave that door open you idiot” you yell at your husband.  But as you enter your home, you realize something isn’t right.  In your bedroom, you find your bed has been disturbed.  What's going on?  Where are my pillow cases?  Things are thrown about the room and the top drawer of your bureau is on the floor.  You slowly realize what has happened…that's where you've always kept your good jewelry - right there in the top drawer, rather than in a locked box or a safe where it should be…and now it’s all gone and you want to throw up.

A theft like this takes less than ten minutes.  It’s so quick you wouldn’t believe it if you saw it happen.  Backdoor kicked in, run upstairs to bedroom, remove pillow cases, go directly to woman’s bureau and stuff cases with jewelry that is right there (like it always is), run out back door.  Jewelry is small, easily transported and easily pawned.  It means nothing to the thieves, but when you realize every piece of jewelry you own is gone, including your Grandmother’s wedding ring, you are crushed.

Family heirlooms can never be replaced, but hopefully, your most important pieces were insured so you can start to rebuild your jewelry wardrobe.  If you’re lucky enough to have a homeowner’s policy that includes $5,000 in blanket coverage for lost or stolen jewelry, take that money and here’s what you can buy.

You need a good watch.  Buy the best you can afford – a Michele Deco is fashionable and won’t break the bank… and you won’t have to use the sun to tell time anymore. 

Michele Deco Watch, 16mm New Deco Stainless Steel Bracelet ($250) and Deco 16mm Stainless Steel Watch Head with Diamond Dial ($425).  FYI-Michele watches are often sold in two pieces so be sure to price accordingly.

 

Buy a good pair of gold hoops.  I think yellow gold is the classic color to buy.  If you have extra money you can purchase a pair of white gold hoops as well, but yellow gold hoops are the classic and where you should make the investment.  I still have mine from high school.

Roberto Coin18K Yellow Gold Hoop Earrings, 1 ¼” diameter, $520

 

Pearl studs are feminine and stand the test of time.  Buy Mikimoto if you can and, if you’re over 30, buy at least 7.5- 8mm in size.  Anything smaller will look like you have boogers on your ears, especially if you have long hair.  They must be at least 8mm to be seen, even if you pull your hair back.

 Mikimoto Akoya Pearl Studs, 7.5-8 mm.  White or yellow gold, $730

 

David Yurman Bracelet:  It seems everybody has one, but that’s OK, join the cult.  You get a lot of look for your money and wearing one tells your friends you’ve arrived.  Buy a 7mm Onyx Color Classic Bracelet.  And, remember you are an adult…the 7mm size is the middle size…not too big and not too small, and, onyx will go with everything you wear, plus it’s one of the cheapest stones he has available.   

David Yurman Onyx 7mm Color Classics Bracelet, $595.

 

A diamond solitaire pendant is the type of necklace you can wear all the time and never take off (this way you will never lose it).  It would look nice with your pearl studs and Michele watch.  H, VS2 is excellent quality for a diamond pendant.   

Blue Nile .50 ct., H, VS2, diamond solitaire pendant, $2475.

Speaking of insurance...  depending on how much jewelry you have, you may want to do the following:

Check your homeowner’s policy to see if you have any coverage for "unscheduled" jewelry that is lost or stolen.  Some policies offer minimal coverage ($2,500-5,000) for the loss of unscheduled pieces (not listed and insured individually), and some policies offer nothing.  Check yours.  

Appraise, schedule and insure your most expensive and sentimental pieces.  This is called an insurance rider and you pay extra for it.  Big ticket diamond items like your engagement and wedding rings, tennis bracelets, studs, or antique diamond pins, etc….anything that exceeds the minimum coverage your policy provides should be covered separately if you can afford it .  Consider listing any other important items where the replacement value is more than you can handle out of pocket, or where you feel the need to be compensated for an appraised amount.  Scheduled jewelry is expensive so don’t list (and pay) for anything you can easily replace out of your personal budget.

If insurance is too expensive, buy a good safe and use it.  Lowe's has a good, fireproof safe with a digital combination that is easy to use.  If possible, have a handyman permanently attach your safe to the closet shelf or floor so thieves cannot simply walk away with it (however, some of these safes are very heavy already and not easy to walk away with).  Then, be religious about securing your things when you are not using them.  I’ve met many people over the years who learned this lesson the hard way.  You can’t believe how careful people become with their new jewelry after they’ve lost all their old jewelry.

Have You Been Vajeweled?

A vajewelectomy in progress.

If you watch the Real Housewives of New York City, you’ve already met the newest addition to this season: Cindy Barshop (one and done - I understand she may not be returning next year).  Cindy’s claim to fame is she owns and operates multiple locations of the “Completely Bare Spa."  One of the services they offer is Vajeweled – or, jewelry for your hoo-hah.  After you get a complete waxing of your girly parts, for a nominal fee you can add Swarovski "elements" (more like shards) down there in various shapes and designs.  Ms. Barshop prides herself on the ultimate waxing experience, including a service for inner AND OUTER buttocks.  Thank God girls born with permanent mink thongs have someone to turn to.

Now I'm all for jewelry but I didn't realize I needed to adorn my girlgyna on top of all the landscaping I already do.  It 's an established destination point in my house and is highly sought after - so do I need to decorate it as well?  And what happens when the hair starts to grow back and some of the sparkles have fallen off...do we maintain the vaginal rejuvenation experience or do we let it turn into one of those skankaroll Halloween decorations that are still  hanging around at Thanksgiving...just sayin.

Here are some options:

Do I have to spell it out for you?

I think you know what to do.

Piece.

This one's for the guys.